From child-free to freaking out

I can see why actively trying to get pregnant can drive women actively insane

May 10, 2018

I can see why actively trying to get pregnant can drive women actively insane

4 Comments

I told my husband that when I take a pregnancy test and find out I’m pregnant, I won’t be surprised. And if I’m not pregnant, I’ll be really confused. The question is: Will I also be disappointed if I’m not pregnant?

It’s been almost a month of trying, and my body’s been acting super weird.

I took one ovulation test and it came up negative. Then the next day I took another and I got the flashy happy face, which means ovulation is soon. Then it flashed happy for 7 days straight. But I never got the egg white discharge that I usually get when I’m ovulating. And I never got the solid happy face that told me I’m ovulating.

So maybe that means I haven’t ovulated yet? Just googled and I guess it’s normal to not ovulate one month. I wouldn’t put it past my body to be shy when I’m stressed out. Or maybe a super-ambitious sperm got my egg within seconds of the egg appearing? Is that a thing?

Only… in the last week I’ve had super sore breasts, I noticed my nipples looked puffy and different yesterday. I’ve been peeing a lot more. I’m a lot hungrier that normal. And I’m ridiculously exhausted for seemingly no reason. But then again… all of that could be explained by getting my period in the next few days (which I’m scheduled to do).

I can see why this actively trying phase can drive some women actively insane.

Maybe I’ll be disappointed because trying has been so stressful for me. I’m over thinking my own body functions so much that I’m driving myself crazy.

After a recent therapy session I decided to have a conversation with myself…

I told my body that I’m giving it permission to do whatever it wants.

And I immediately felt more at ease! I can’t control this process as I want to. (Hi, card-carrying control freak here.) Getting pregnant isn’t like solving a math equation: there’s no exact right combination that will get you the right result. So if I’m not pregnant this month, I’m going to ease off on myself and my body this next cycle. Which should hopefully make things easier on me.

Yeah, you know, I’ll be disappointed if I’m not pregnant.

I just realized that. I keep thinking about the possibility and feeling a little fluttery in my tummy.

Ugh, I just want to know!!!

I could take a pregnancy test today if I wanted to. But honestly… I want to drink without guilt at tonight’s dinner. So I’ll check tomorrow.

Where any of you unsure of how you’d actually feel when you finally took a pregnancy test?


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