From child-free to freaking out

Being pregnant without getting excited just feels like having a disease

July 10, 2018

Being pregnant without getting excited just feels like having a disease

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I am officially four weeks pregnant. Apparently it’s the size of tomato seed and is officially an embryo now.

While I’m glad that it’s sticking around, I’m still on track with the “not getting excited about being pregnant” thing. Which means, I’m not trying to connect with this embryo in any way. Which means I’m not looking up nursery ideas. Which means I’m not feeling warm fuzzy feelings AT ALL during this time.

Which means being pregnant without being excited is basically like living with a disease.

I feel sick and tired and moody and most days I don’t have much energy to get out of bed or off the couch. I feel like an invalid. Which is not fun. I mean, the first trimester of pregnancy isn’t “fun” anyway. But at least, if you’re excited, you can feel like “I’m growing life inside of me! The grossness is magical!” But I’m like, “fuck you tiny tomato seed-sized growth inside of me. You’re the reason I’m useless and sad and sick all the time.”

And the most positive I can be about is to think, “maybe this nausea is a good sign?

Hopefully this embryo is sucking the life force out of me to get strong AF.

My husband has also taken this same not excited approach. He’s, in fact, the one that made me realize that this is more like living with a disease instead of a baby. The way he’s dealing with it is to just be concerned for me. He’s been nothing but doting and supportive and sweet. I mean, this period of time sucks for him too, because his wife has been kidnapped by a soul-stealing anti-fun-having bacteria.

I now have two more weeks to go to get past when I lost the last baby.

I experience some cramping and spotting on day 11, which I hadn’t experienced the first time. So, of course, I completely freaked out about it. I assumed that I was having another miscarriage. And, since I’m not getting excited about this pregnancy, I was able to just accept that idea and got ready to go through it and then move one. But it turned out to more-than-likely be implantation bleeding. And the spotting has completely stopped and the cramping has been toned down a lot.

I’m still crossing my fingers that this one sticks, because FUCK THIS SHIT. Pregnancy is awful. And if I’m just going to just continue to get sicker and sicker every time I get pregnant, and have my boobs hurt more and more, then I just want to quit. My patience is wearing thin with all this.


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