From child-free to freaking out

Let’s talk about getting pregnant after a miscarriage

June 6, 2018

Let’s talk about getting pregnant after a miscarriage


Now that I’m no longer bleeding after my miscarriage, and I’m starting to feel less wildly emotional, I’m realizing that my cycle is probably returning to normal. Another way I’m feeling my systems slowly coming back online is that getting horny again — which was something I was super NOT feeling when I was pregnant. So that’s convenient because…

I guess it’s time to start trying to get pregnant again.

I’ve heard that you’re supposed to wait a couple of cycles before trying again. But my OBGYN admitted to telling patients that for years without really knowing why doctors were “supposed” to say that. He called bullshit on his past advice, and he encouraged us to try again as soon as we felt like it. And I’m starting to feel like it.

I thought that I wouldn’t feel like getting pregnant after a miscarriage for a while.

So I’m surprised that in the end, I feel like I want to try again this soon. Part of it is that I miss the excitement of being pregnant. But mostly I really want to try to have a kid as close to my sister’s kid as possible. (Her due date is now 10 days before our first kid was supposed to be born. Ugh, that gets me right in the feels.) Besides, if we’re gonna do this, let’s just DO the fucking thing. We’re not getting any younger, ya know?

“Trying” garland by FunCult

Of course, I’m nervous about trying again.

I’m feeling anxious all over again — All the old fears I had about the actively trying phase are starting to come back. The added pressure of wanting it for timing reasons also makes it more stressful. Which isn’t the best for, you know, getting pregnant. Sigh.

I know at this point I’m basically blogging into a void, but if anyone’s out there and feels like talking…

I’m super curious about a few things:

  • Did you feel like giving up after initial failed pregnancy attempts?
  • Did you feel like getting pregnant after a miscarriage asap?
  • Did it work?
  • How long did it take for you to get pregnant the second time?
  • Did you miscarry again? Was it worse the second time?
  • Any advice for getting back in the proverbial saddle?

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6 thoughts on “Let’s talk about getting pregnant after a miscarriage”

  • *waves* another girl in her mid 30s trying for her first kid, obsessed with thoughts of miscarriage, full of anxiety on everything, not sure she can handle motherhood but into this journey anyway? Not just blogging into the void! Enjoying your blog 🙂

    • Maybe it’s all the extra hormones, but this comment brought tears to my eyes. So glad to know I’m not alone. I mean, it’s why I started this blog to let OTHERS know they’re not alone. But also… I guess I want to know it too. Hi! 🙂

  • Hey, it sucks that you’re going through this. I hope you get pregnant again and it sticks. As someone who obsesses and finds not being in control hugely difficult, I found actively trying to get pregnant pretty hard. It was so distracting to be constantly musing on potential symptoms or wondering about what was going on with my body. So hard to motivate myself to do other stuff, which as a freelancer wasn’t ideal! I miscarried once officially last year, but I’m also pretty sure I had at least one very early loss a couple of months before that. I’m now just over 12 weeks pregnant. So, to answer your questions:

    Did you feel like giving up after initial failed pregnancy attempts?
    – No. I mean, it sucks. It’s physically painful and even though I was pretty pragmatic about it all, I did cry about it and got sad at times (when someone else announced they were pregnant, when I got my period after we’d started trying again, etc). Let yourself be sad about it. But we wanted to get pregnant, so back on the horse we went (and what a lovely image that is!).
    Did you feel like getting pregnant after a miscarriage asap?
    – Yes. I don’t think that there’s any medical reason to wait after a spontaneous miscarriage. An ectopic or molar they recommend waiting a couple of months, but otherwise when you’re ready. We started trying again about a month later.
    Did it work? How long did it take for you to get pregnant the second time?
    – Yes. It worked. I miscarried in October and got pregnant in March.
    Did you miscarry again? Was it worse the second time?
    – No, I haven’t and am now 14ish weeks. Trying not to obsess or agonise. But it’s hard. I can’t really offer advice on multiple losses. But I will say that at the start of this pregnancy I was very much “let’s just take this one day at a time” and I’m still not much beyond that stage despite having had a scan and all being well so far.
    Any advice for getting back in the proverbial saddle?
    – Use whatever tools you have to relax and reduce anxiety generally. And enjoy the sex. On a horse if that helps! You might find that you’re less likely to symptom scan between ovulation and period due date, since you won’t want to get your hopes up. Or maybe you’ll still obsess. It’s probably a good idea to be sure to have something else to focus on, though. As anything all-consuming tends to be a bit destructive.

    Wishing you all the best from a currently very sunny and warm (no, really!) Scotland.


    PS Holy carp! That was not meant to be such a long post! So sorry!!

    • Holy Carp! 😉 Do NOT apologize for a long post. The whole thing was a super-cathartic read. God it’s so much better hearing from someone who’s gone through exactly this. I am with you on the freelancer-who-can’t-stop-musing-on-potential-symptoms. Man, I love not having co-workers, but sometimes they’re the distraction that keeps you from obsessing over every weird body issue. 😉

      Okay, I’m going to re-read this comment as often as I need to remind myself to chill.

      THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

  • We talked a little about this already, but basically wanted to be pregnant again SO BADLY once I physically recovered from my first miscarriage.

    And it did work… eventually.
    I got pregnant for the second time around when my daughter was a year old, and then found out around week 8 that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. Had a D&E and got pregnant again almost immediately. Lost that one around 12 weeks, and once again wanted to get knocked up OMGRIGHTNOW. I also was really anxious to have another kid because my sister-in-law was pregnant with her first, just a month or so behind my first loss. After the second loss I was like “well that cousin ship has sailed” and I backed off a bit. I forget the exact timeline after that but not *super* long after that I got pregnant and had my third loss, got pretty depressed, and my husband was like “we seriously need to take a break from this, I can’t handle more of this right now.” So we were actively preventing pregnancy for a little while. Shortly before my daughter turned 3 we got pregnant again, and that one is now a charming 2 year old.

    As it turned out my sister-in-law had her second child just a few months after my second, so we get the full cousin/bff experience with them. But the two older kids are still very close too, even though they’re almost two years apart.

    It felt like I was pregnant nonstop for two years, because I basically was. It destroyed the last remaining shreds of my body image because I was yoyoing between pregnant and miscarriage misery for two years. I’m not sure I’d go so far to say I wish I’d waited longer between pregnancies, and I’m not sure I could have even if I’d logically wanted to (I was jonesing for that baby HARD) but doing it all back to back was brutal. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

    • Oi, I didn’t know about the sister-in-law part. I fucking HATE that I have a similar situation making this feel like more pressure for me. But how cool that she lapped you, and it worked out! I doubt that will happen with my sis. 😉 But if that close age gap ship sales, I’ll probably calm the eff down.

      And omg that yoyo between pregnant and not pregnant? I can’t even imagine doing that over and over. I’m already sick of it. I just want to get this fucking done. But we’ll see. If I miscarry again, I’m going to chill out. But I gotta at least try to do this along with my besties RN.

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