From child-free to freaking out

Okay, now that I’m pregnant… What the fuck am I doing?

August 9, 2018

Okay, now that I’m pregnant… What the fuck am I doing?

I was being driven to one of my first ultrasound appointments by my husband, and I flipped down the sun shade mirror to try to scratch of a patch of dry skin on my face when I was struck by my reflection.

Who is that girl?

That girl who is 37 but kinda looks but mostly feels SO MUCH younger is pregnant. That girl? That clueless girl who is still trying to figure out her own life is about to bring another life into this world. And then be in charge of that life? That girl who still goes into fits of rage about her own mother is going to be someone’s mother? Is that really me? How is that possible?

That wasn’t the first time that’s happened. There have been several times that I’ve felt my blood go cold and have thought…

“What the fuck am I doing?”

I’m in new territory people. I feel like a babe in the woods. A babe with a babe in the woods. I literally know nothing about having or raising a child. I don’t even know that many people who have done either of those things. Because, in all honesty, I have made a practice of NOT befriending breeders. Or, once a friend of mine decided to breed, I have backed away slowly until they were just in the peripheries of my life, and the invites to their dumb baby birthday parties faded away to none. (My preferred number of baby birthday invites.)

Don’t even get me started on my fears of the doctor, of hospitals, of blood, of needles, and of pain in general. I’m the biggest fucking baby, how the hell am I supposed to GIVE BIRTH to a baby? How will my brain even handle that horror show?

And yet, here I am, pregnant and on my way to a doctor to delight in the visuals of a 10 week old fetus moving around inside of me, and tearing up over the sound of its tiny little heartbeat. And delight I did. I was fucking captivated that by that little thing.

Here look:

How is this my life?

No seriously, I am weirding myself out here. I mean, I’m absolutely relieved that I’m excited about bringing this life into the world. Because, honestly, I didn’t even know how I’d eventually feel about it. But more than excited, I’m terrified and confused. I never thought I’d be here before, and I don’t know what’s going to happen now that I am.

It’s like the real life version of that dream where you show up to class and it’s The Big Test Day, and you haven’t studied AT ALL. In fact, you’re pretty sure you even forgot you had this class! But, you know, the class is my actual life, and The Big Test is this very real baby inside of me.

How do people who are going to become parents do it so calmly?

I mean, my life as I know it is going to be completely OVER in six months. Replaced with a brand new life that I know nothing about and have no experience with whatsoever. How does one stay calm in the face of that?

I love when artists have already created the perfect piece to compliment my mood. Thanks Etsy seller Phieillustrates.

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