From child-free to freaking out

Avoiding the Baby Crap Tsunami: Is it possible to have a minimalist baby?

September 10, 2018

Avoiding the Baby Crap Tsunami: Is it possible to have a minimalist baby?

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The other day I went to Target to pick up some home essentials. I had some time to kill, so I wandered into the kid’s section. You know… just to see what I’m actively trying to get myself into.

I took one look at just the sheer size of a stroller and felt my heart drop. And then I rounded the corner and saw a wall of car seats — how does one choose? And then it really hit me…

I suddenly realized the massive scope of how much baby crap we’re going to need.

And I don’t want ANY of it.

I don’t want car seats, and strollers, and cribs, and blankets, and bottles, and diaper bags, and diapers, and socks, and onesies, and pacifiers, and snot wipes, and formula, and maybe a swing, and oh yeah toys! Fuck! Noisy-ass toys. Literally, eff that noise.

And what if you buy that crap and your baby doesn’t like THAT particular piece of crap, it prefers this OTHER kind of crap. And then maybe you need two craps — one for your home and one for, I don’t know… the car? And then it outgrows that crap in a minute and you need even bigger crap to replace your smaller crap…

Is it possible to fit ALL the baby crap into just a bag like this?

There’s just WAY TOO MUCH BABY CRAP.

I’m staring at a future that looks like an episode of Hoarders. I don’t want all that junk in my house. I don’t want it in my car. I don’t want it in my purse. I don’t want it on my body. I just… ugh.

I’m the type of person whose ideal way of traveling is with JUST a carry-on. And a carry-on that can go under my seat, so I don’t even have to fuck around with an overhead bin! All I want is to have one super-portable and efficient bag. Now I’m imagining checking the stupid stroller, and fighting for bin space for the car seat, and a diaper bag, plus my sad little carry-on, oh yeah! All that plus a human baby! This is a nightmare out of one of my anxiety fever dreams.

How do minimalist have babies?

I’m not necessarily a minimalist, but I like to trend that way. I’ve Kon Mari’d my fair share of living spaces. I have a “one in one out” policy when it comes to clothing. And I’ve thrown out and donated more things that I’ve bought for the past few years. And right now I’m standing on a nice and tidy childless shore and I can see the Baby Crap Tsunami heading my way, and I’m wondering…

Is it possible to somehow avoid it? Can you have a minimalist baby?


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