Right now I can’t wait to tell people that I’m pregnant. But I’m also really enjoying the fact that only a few people know.
I’m stuck between wanting to tell everyone and no one, because I know that when the greater public finds out, they’re going to do that thing where they get all excited and squeal and maybe jump up and down and say “OMG congratulations!” and talk about how excited they are. Or maybe they’ll ask me how excited I am. And the answer to that is, “I’m kind of excited… but mostly scared… and ambivalent… I just have lots of feelings.”
It’s not like I reached a life-long dream.
This was actually NEVER a dream for me. It’s not like I earned a promotion based on hard work. I just happened to be lucky enough to have a viable eggs, a working uterus, and have sex with a dude with functioning sperm.
Once I actually give birth to the dang thing I will take your massive congratulations. Because THAT will be something worth celebrating.
So while the news that I do not have to go through something as stressful as fertility treatments makes me want to jump up and down and squeal, the fact that I’m pregnant just doesn’t.
Because with that comes the realization that my whole body and life is changing.
And I’m not ready to celebrate the end of the me that I’ve always known and the dreamy life that I’ve made with my husband. Things are awesome right now. And that’s about to completely change.
I mean, I’m happy, but that’s just ONE of the many things I feel.
I don’t want to jump up and down and squeal about being pregnant.
Fortunately most of the people that I’ve told the news to understand my mixed emotions because they’ve always known me as child-free. I mean, most of THEM have mixed emotions about me being pregnant. So when I tell them, they’re great about it. Reactions range from very chilled-but-thrilled “congratulations” to “so how do you feel about that?”
But I know going forward it’s going to get all squeal-y up in mah face. And I feel bad about that. Because I know that people who are excited really want me to get excited with them. And I’m going to shit on their excitement sundae when I’m like, “yeah… it’s a thing that’s happening. [weird arm movement and head tilt that suggests both excitement and a reluctant embracing of the situation.]”
Anyone else on the Ambivalence Train with me? If you are, I offer you a very chill, “I’m stoked for you.”