From child-free to freaking out

All the dreams that died along with that damn embryo

June 1, 2018

All the dreams that died along with that damn embryo

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I had a friend ask if there was any part of me that felt relief after my miscarriage. She explained that many of her friends who miscarried had actually felt a bit relieved. So I did a deep dive into my feels, and came up with absolutely no feelings of relief. Which both surprised me and also didn’t surprise me at all at the same time.

It’s weird that I’m now a person who’s sad to NOT have a baby

I spent my whole fertile life hoping to never get pregnant. And now that I’m back to not being pregnant anymore I am truly devastated. Yeah, I’m a little surprised by this. My husband even said, “If I were to tell you, when we first met, that there’d by a time you’d be depressed about not having a baby, you would never have believed me.” And he’s right. This is a new version of me for sure.

But a lot of this devastation is tied up in the fact that this pregnancy just made so much sense…

The timing was absolutely perfect for so many reasons:

  • I’d be massively pregnant just as my husband was finishing up his seasonal work. No paternity leave necessary!
  • We’d settle into waiting for D Day in January, just after all the holiday craziness was over, and we’d have nothing to do but watch all our newly-arrived Oscar Award screeners, and snuggle on the couch.
  • Our kid would be six months apart from the kid my best friends are pregnant with right now.
  • And just one month apart from my sister’s kid! Which has always been my “if I ever had a kid” dream — that my sister and I would raise ours together, almost like twins.
“Lost Dreams” poster print by Etsy seller ChrisOzFulton

WHY would the universe do this to me?

Why would the Universe… fate… Cthulhu… The Force… whatever… give me my actual and ONLY “if I ever had a kid” dream, and then rip it away from me so cruelly? Everything just felt like fucking fate. And now I just don’t get it.

I wanted this so bad. And now there’s nothing I can do about its loss. I can’t get it back. I can’t re-start the clock to catch up. I just have to believe that the Universe… the Old Gods and the New… the obelisk from 2001… have made this happen for a reason. And I’ll just have to wait to find out what that reason is.

For now, I’m still practicing self care, but all the Twizzlers in the world won’t give me that perfect timing back. And it just sucks.

This wasn’t a very helpful or informative posts, but sometimes I’m just going vent.


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