Once got that positive ovulation test, we fucked so much my vagina was in pain! A week later, I had a feeling I was pregnant again. I peed on a stick a little earlier than recommended (by a couple of days), just to see what would happen. And was proven correct!
I’m pregnant again after a miscarriage…
And I honestly can’t tell if it’s sad or awesome that we’re not getting excited.
Instead of thinking of a cute way to tell my husband, this time I just came out of the bathroom with the pregnancy test and was like, “Well that result came right away. I’m pregnant.” He was like, “Cool. Good to know.” And then we finished the last episode of The Staircase and took a nap. No big hugs. No excited photos with the pregnancy test. No smiles. No fears. Just calm acceptance… and then life as normal.
I feel truly okay with this level of chill.
I’m hoping to NOT get excited until this thing lasts inside of me long enough to see it on an ultrasound. THEN I’ll let myself be “officially pregnant.” Until then… it’s just something that’s making my boobs hurt. Making me all kinds of dizzy again. And being the reason I can’t drink as much as I want to. (Honestly, I’m still drinking a little.)
And really… this is more my speed when it comes to all things pregnancy and baby-having. It’s still not something I’ve ever been excited about being or doing, so it’s kind of nice to not have to act like I’m thrilled. Because I’m not. Even when I was first pregnant, I was more scared than thrilled.
At least that’s what I’m saying NOW…
Talk to me in a couple of weeks and see where I’m at. For now I’m putting my patience practice to work — trying not to get ahead of myself. I need to remember that I’m pregnant enough to remind myself to slow down a bit and go easy on my body. But not pregnant enough to keep my hands on my belly, and have secret talks with the life growing inside of me. Fuck that shit. I gotta guard my heart this time.
But also keep your fingers 🤞 for me.
I don’t want to go through another miscarriage. One was enough, mmmmkay.