From child-free to freaking out

How I’m learning to chill out and stop thinking about miscarriage

May 18, 2018

How I’m learning to chill out and stop thinking about miscarriage

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Sigh. Is there ever a moment in pregnancy where you stop feeling stressed out and can actually enjoy it?

I went immediately from stressing out over whether or not I was going to be able to get pregnant, to stressing over losing this pregnancy the moment I got pregnant.

I seriously can’t stop thinking about miscarriage…

I’ve had a lot of friends who have many a miscarriage. I saw first-hand how seemingly random they are. The same woman did the same things and sometimes she successfully carried to term and sometime she lost it. And most of those women were younger than I am now.

So, you know, that’s not helping.

Embryo Watercolor Prints by LyonRoadArt

I mean… the embryo/zygote/baby/whatever just seems so small and vulnerable at this stage!

Apparently it’s only the size of a chia seed right now. And every time I sneeze I worry that I’ll dislodged that tiny little ball of cells from my uterus. Every time I get dizzy I worry that I over-worked myself and now I’ll lose it. When I’m working out I’m constantly considering whether or not what I’m doing is hurting little chia seed. It’s so tiny! How could it possibly survive? Especially since I’m a first time mom and have been so child-free that I know NOTHING about this part of life. That lack of knowledge only feeds the fear.

How the fuck will I calm my mind down during this process?

I know that stressing doesn’t help. So how the hell can I stop thinking about miscarriage?

I talked about this with my therapist, who’s an awesome resource especially since she just had a baby not too long ago. I assumed that she would have also gone through this “can’t stop thinking about miscarriage” phase. But it turns out, nope. She did NOT go through this “phase.” It may not even be a phase at all!

And that actually made me feel better… I realized that obsessing over miscarrying may just be a choice.

“Calm Down” print by BillieClaireHandmade

I can either let myself spiral, or I can try to find some peace.

Talking to my therapist also made me realize that this was just another form of anxiety — and I’ve been dealing with anxiety for most of my adult life. I realized that I could try to use some of my skills to help manage this:

  1. I can re-direct my thoughts to something more positive when I start to think about miscarrying.
  2. I can go for walks and listen to music or podcasts to walk off the anxiety.
  3. Doing yoga really helps. I joined and downloaded Beach Body on Demand and they have a bunch of prenatal yoga videos that help calm me down.
  4. I also downloaded a pregnancy-specific meditation app. There’s one specific meditation aimed at calming yourself down and trusting your body that not just helped but change my thinking. Because…
Meditation decal from VinylDecals2U

My body knows what to do on its own.

I was reminded that we’re basically born with the ability to make this happen. It’s in our programing. The “Trusting the Body” meditation gently reminds me that I could “let it be easy.” But more importantly that “There’s nothing to do that isn’t already happening. Your body already knows how to nurture the life growing inside.”

That’s become my daily mantra that I repeat to myself when I find I’m starting to panic. Much like when I told myself that getting pregnant was not a process I could completely control, I have to realize the same thing all over again now that I’m pregnant.

Did you go through a time where you couldn’t stop thinking about miscarriage? If so how did you work through it?


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